Cheating 101

I wasn’t looking for him when I stumbled across him. I had just graduated high school and my life was making that heavy transition from high school to college. I had never been in a serious relationship before, so I was extremely inexperienced going into the whole ordeal. I had a lot of preconceived notions about falling in love, and I felt all of them come to fruition once he’d burst onto the scene of my life. The butterflies, the endless thoughts, the giddy smiles seeing his name pop up on my phone, telling my friends how handsome he was, and going gaga over his sweet words. It was so easy to let him in and have him see parts of me I never even knew existed. We fell hard and fast; we were two meteors en route to one another, building up speed and fire as we got closer and closer to crashing.

Letting people in is incredibly difficult for me, as it would be for most people going through high school. But, we take chances. We let some people in and the reality is we either get accepted or rejected – I had my own fair share of rejections, so it made my admissions requirements very selective. The scary part about letting someone in, is that you never know what they’re going to take with them. So when I let you in, and you get to see the real me… that means the world to me, and I expect it to mean the world to you too. I expected him to stay forever and make himself at home, but he had different plans.

I planned my future around him. If someone were to ask me where I saw myself in ‘X’ amount of years, he’d be woven into my answer. I loved him with every fiber of my being; my love was unrelenting and unconditional. I knew him inside and out. I firmly believed that this was the guy I’d be walking down the aisle with, one day. He felt like home. I felt safe with him, and at the end of the day I could breathe & let myself unwind into him. This belief that he felt like home lasted until I had found out someone else was laying in my bed… and it made me feel like the intruder. He’d given a complete stranger the key so easily, after I worked so hard to even step foot in the door.

Was loving you unconditionally not enough? Was accepting you flaws and all not enough? Was supporting you and helping you through your rough patches not enough? Was protecting your soul and holding you up not enough? Was putting you above all else not enough? Was almost 4 years of being together not enough? And more importantly, was I not enough?

I wanted to know why he did it, that was honestly my only question. I had thought to myself, “What could I have done to prevent this? What did I do for him to resort to cheating, or what did I not do?” I blamed myself for his actions, and it taught him nothing. I took the blame and I got so used to it, that he expected an apology to remedy the entire situation. But, a ‘sorry’ doesn’t make the hurt any less painful. A ‘sorry’ couldn’t fix this and it caused a lot of fights because well… there wasn’t an answer that could put my heart at ease. There was no answer that could excuse his behavior, and after 7 months I finally accepted the fact that we could no longer move forward. The cheating manifested itself into a demon, and he’d come out to play every time I started to open myself up to my ex again. Each time, the demon had brought his friends anxiety and inadequacy – that’s what filled my new home. I was too afraid to call him home anymore; I couldn’t recognize where I was… I felt like I didn’t belong there anymore.

I tried to work things out with him and I assured the both of us that we’d get through this as long as we communicated more and we were honest. That wasn’t the problem. I wasn’t honest with myself and I wasn’t communicating with myself. The assurance turned into convincing, and the we turned to you and I. I was convincing myself that we’d be okay – I never really dealt with the problem. I just wanted the love of my life back, I wanted us back. But, I’d never get that back – especially like this.

Everything I had hoped and dreamed of with him had just faded. I agree, everyone makes mistakes – but, he chose to make this mistake. He chose this for us, after I continually chose him. I broke when I realized that there is no rationale for cheating, and I shouldn’t be blaming myself because he wasn’t able to appreciate the one person that was going to give him the world. Some things cannot be fixed, and it’s better to leave the pieces as they may be and just walk away. Not everything needs a solution, and not every mess needs to be cleaned up. My love for him, for once in our existence together, did not exceed the new found love I had for myself. I was trying so hard to fight our demons, while he was chilling out & making them feel welcomed.

I’ve forgiven him. I wouldn’t be able to grow into an even stronger person if I didn’t. I really loved him, and I do miss him. But, I expended so much energy into us and got little in return. It’s exhausted me. It hurts me to say that I don’t know who he is anymore, but I really don’t. We are not the same people we were when we first fell in love, and that’s okay… people out grow one another, and it’s unfortunate we grew in separate directions. I’m finding myself again, and I’m really starting from the ground up. I don’t mourn the death of our relationship anymore, I celebrate the death of a person who didn’t love them self enough. This new me is hurting, yes. But, I am growing with the hurt.

To my ex:
I still care for you and I still love you. It’s unfortunate how things have panned out between us, and I know you’ve learned a lot from this experience. Maybe some day, years from now, we’ll cross paths in a public place and we’ll catch up. Maybe try things again, maybe tell each other how we fell in love with someone amazing. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but what I do know is that we’ll be better people because of our time together. I don’t regret a single second I spent with you. I’ve cherished every moment together. I wish you nothing but the best, truly. This one mistake does not mean you are not worthy of love, it just means you aren’t worthy of mine right now.

To anyone thinking about cheating, has cheated, or is cheating right now:
Speak up and shape up. Just like how I revered my ex as home, someone thinks about you that same way. Yes, they may be busy, they may have stopped doing something you loved, they may have taken advantage of the fact that you’re always there… but say something. If you can seek out someone else, let them in, and allow them your body and mind – you can tell your partner what’s bothering you. If you can’t, please leave or seek professional help. From my own experience and from the ones I’ve heard from my friends and strangers, cheating can be diverted with some communication. You have to realize that this person trusts you, this person is building their future around you, this person is all about you. Granted, right now it may not seem that way, but find out for sure. My ex told me he had cheated because I was so busy with school, I explained to him that I was so busy with school and work because I wanted to grind out experience so I could get our future and family started as soon as possible. He overlooked the fact that I was working so hard for us, and I was giving up date time in order to provide for our future. I planned my entire future around him and I busted my ass each and every day to make sure I could provide him with the best future possible. SPEAK UP – You do not know unless you ask. Don’t cheat, don’t cheat, don’t cheat.

To those who have been cheated on:
Do not blame yourself for their choices. You deserve better, and do not settle for them because you are scared you won’t find love. Let me be clear; the person he/she is after cheating on you may be better, some of them actually learn their lesson and change is really provoked. I am in no way excusing their actions, but some people need big things to happen in order for change to occur. My ex has changed, and I see it & believe it. He wants nothing but to see me happy and thrive, and he appreciates me a lot more now – but unfortunately, he is not the better I deserve right now. Also, (this is a big thing) please do not be ashamed. I was so scared to tell people what was going on, that I hid it for months and it ate away at me. I had hyped him up for 4 years, and I painted such a positive picture with him, I felt ashamed to tell people that he had cheated on me. “Are you serious? I would’ve thought he’d be the last person on earth to cheat.” I got that response so many times, it only highlighted how much I loved him enough to share the good parts of him to people I knew. I thought he’d be the last person too, but that isn’t going to stop me from moving forward. This was not your fault and you are good enough, please remember this. Also, (sorry one last thing) have your reservations about getting into another relationship, that’s normal… but remember that every guy/girl that comes into your life after your ex will be different, don’t be afraid to take chances again. Yes, it is scary and getting hurt is a reality that we all need to face – but, it’ll be that much sweeter once the right one comes along and makes these chances feel like winning the lottery.

To myself:
Continue the trend of loving yourself, and know that you are worthy of love. Keep writing, keep reading, keep learning, keep focused and keep on keeping on. Do not look for love; love will find you, just as it did that summer when you found him. Be thankful for the lessons he brought you, and be thankful for the person he’s helped you become today. Do not see him as a cheater, see him as he is – he’s hurt you, but you are still alive. People make mistakes, do not bad mouth him because he was once someone you felt every emotion in the dictionary for. You out grew each other, and that’s okay. Practice self-love, be selfish, and never settle for anything or anyone that doesn’t see how amazing you are.