I’m writing this post in my new house, completely alone with music blaring in the background. I woke up this morning and it finally sunk in that I’m no longer living in Aiea, and I have a new home in Kunia. I’m learning to do things differently and adapt because of the area that I’m in – when to leave in the morning, when to wake up, where to eat, where to shop, where to put gas… all of this stuff is changing, and I need to adapt to it. It’s fitting, because I’ve had to adapt to this new life of being single and learning to do things for just me – I no longer have someone to wake up to, someone to worry about, someone to make me feel better, someone to be intimate with, someone to end the day with… all of this is changing, too, and the focus is now on myself.
The other day when I was driving home from school, I had almost took the cutoff on the freeway to go to my old house. I kind of wasn’t even thinking about it when I did it, I had just gotten so used to going that route it felt like second nature. I had to swerve back onto the freeway and figure out how to navigate my way home in a way I had never gone before. This kind of helped me realize that I’m doing the same thing with someone I’ve recently felt a great connection with. I’ve been treating him like how I treated my past connection. My mindset isn’t set to being myself, it’s set to catering to whoever’s in front of me. I was so used to picking up tabs, driving all over the place, always being there to solve problems, doing too much, doing things without being asked, and going out of my way to make sure everything is going good for whoever I was with. I spent 4 years catering and exhausting myself… I honestly don’t remember what it feels like to talk to someone authentically.
But, this is what moving on is all about right? We make the move then slowly we change and adapt to our decisions. We made the decision to move houses, we went through the motions of packing, ordering new furniture, setting everything up in our new house, and getting rid of all the crap from our old house. I made the decision to terminate my relationship, we went through the motions of giving each other our stuff back, trying to talk about our future, getting rid of pictures, getting rid of gifts, and throwing away things that had memories of us attached to them. This is just one small part of moving on, though. This is all a part of the decision to make the initial move. What comes after this really determines if you were ready to make the move.
Hopefully this brings some relief to people, but moving on is not starting fresh. It’s impossible. Don’t feel bad because you can’t immerse yourself into someone again 100% – getting hurt isn’t fun. If you recognize that a certain stimulus hurts you, eventually you’re going to be apprehensive about it – you might even stop completely. For example, opening up to someone is extremely easy when you haven’t been hurt before. Once you get hurt the first time, it hurts you. You get comfortable enough to open up again, and you get rejected or hurt once more… it destroys you. After a while you get so accustomed to opening up and getting hurt – you just stop. No one gets to witness the real you, no one gets to appreciate what you have to offer the world because someone you called your world hurt you. It’s scary, I know… I’m completely terrified to talk to someone, date, and even love again because I don’t want to get hurt again.
I have trust issues, I have self-esteem issues, and I feel like I constantly need to go the extra mile or else I won’t be good enough. This all came from opening up, letting someone in and having them shroud the light I had so proudly shone. And well, at some point… I decided to turn that light off. I decided to redecorate the inside of myself in order to make someone else feel at home, and still I got hurt. Now, I’m in the middle of the process of having my insides showcase who I am, to show what I know what home is.
With this new connection, and with any other connection that decides to look for a new home… I come as is. The light inside of me is authentic and it’s shining for my family, my friends, and anyone else that wants to be a part of this journey. If people come in and they don’t recognize what I have to offer or what beauty lies inside of myself, there are other houses they can peruse through. I will always have room for people who don’t want to tear me down and hurt me – I have a lot of cleaning up to do around here, but I know I’m doing it for me and the people that want to be here.
To those that have been hurt,
I know it’s terrifying letting someone in after being so used to getting hurt. You don’t want that again, you build walls around who you really are and you barely let anyone in. I want you to know that it’s okay to guard your heart and guard your emotions… but we (yes, we… because I’m trying this out too) need to take chances and continue to love how we normally love. I’ve realized that I can’t love people any different because I let some bad people in when they didn’t deserve to be there. We need to make it a longer process, not a harder one. I had let people in really fast, trusted really fast, and fell really fast and they never really gave me a good reason to let them in as quick as I did. Show these new connections bits and pieces of you – slowly open up to them and be vulnerable. Let them see you watch your favorite movie, let them see you search for your wallet when it’s missing, let them hear you sing in the car, let them watch you study, let them watch you play a sport or instrument you love, let them see you. Naturally, they’ll choose to stay or go. Letting someone get to know you slowly and not all at once gives the both of you time to really assess if the initial connection can flourish into something beautiful.
A gentle reminder, you aren’t starting fresh. You come with baggage, you come with demons… you come with a past. It’s okay to be afraid; moving forward is a hard fucking process. Communicate with them, he or she will understand and stick with you through this process. But, the goal is to eventually move on and open up – do not expect them to be waiting around to see the real you forever. One day, you will be able to refrain from filling your past experiences with the fears you have with this new person trying to be a part of your future. Fall slowly, and fall together.
To those that are helping someone who is hurt,
Be patient, but also know that you do not need to save them from whatever hell they’re living in. People don’t need saving, they need support. Don’t have them show you pieces they’ve never shown anyone else and lead them on. Be real, be authentic. If you aren’t interested, say something. One more time for the people in the back, say something. Nothing is more destructive than opening up to someone, vibing with them, showing them how you see the world, and being led to no where. Just like how they need to communicate, so do you. Don’t feel bad for them, don’t stick around out of guilt – if you aren’t contributing to their growth or you don’t care to see them grow… leave. Be straight up with people, you’re dealing with someone else’s feelings – these dictate so much in how people interact with one another. You want to be friends, establish that. You have feelings for them, tell them. You think you shouldn’t be there, tell them. Hurt people have been lead to rock bottom, don’t lead them into more darkness. honesty, communication, empathy, and support. These are the 4 things you owe to someone that’s opening up to you, in that order.
“I’m on my way to heaven, if I can make it out of this hell. I know I can and I know I will”
[Ascension | Jhené Aiko ft. Brandy]
Inhale, Exhale 