I had planned to take the guy I was dating to see the City Lights because I know how much he loved the holidays. I was never really festive, but the way he smiled when we went shopping for decorations & christmas lights could make traffic stop. I remember shopping with him in October for Halloween decorations for his room, and the way he perused through Party City was like seeing a kid in a candy store. We’d pass things and he’d grab them off the shelves to show me them – he’d put masks on his face, tell me I’d look great as Doc McStuffins, and we’d lose track of time pretty fast. Seeing this side of him during the holidays made me appreciate it a little more. I’d go shopping without him and I’d see holiday shirts & little trinkets and I’d think to myself, “Oh I bet he’d love this” and “I wish he was here to see this”. That’s when I was starting to realize I was really getting to know him. In the very beginning, I was so terrified of getting hurt, I popped the question – I’m sure you’re all familiar with this one… “What are we?” 3 weeks in, I didn’t even know his middle name nor his plans for the future and I was already freaking out. His I don’t knows and let’s just see what happens terrified me even more. But, it made me take a step back and reevaluate what I was really looking for.
I realized that I didn’t even know him. I didn’t know how he handles stress, what keeps him up at night, what his dreams were, why he drinks so much coffee, what he loves to do, what kinds of foods he’d never order – stuff like that. I knew just about as much as someone who was following him on IG or Facebook would know about him. You see, my fear of rejection had plagued my mind entirely. I had thought to myself, “I need to know where this is going, I can’t waste my time… not again.” That was my biggest fear coming out of my past relationship; I was so scared of putting so much effort into something and having it end up to be a huge waste of my time. I felt that initial connection with him, and I’m pretty sure he felt it too… but I wanted to know what he wanted to do with the connection. In asking him these questions, his patience and unwillingness to jump into anything with me allowed me to look inward instead of place the burden of figuring ‘us’ out on him. We needed to take things slow, we needed to really marinate in each other before we even considered being together. Because that, that is a waste of time; committing way too early, finding out this isn’t as great as it started out to be and settling because you feel like you’ve already invested too much into things. That was my biggest flaw in my last relationship. The both of us spent a year getting to know one another, and we clashed so many times. Our personalities just didn’t mix well, and the both of us tried to make the other change when we didn’t need to. We threatened the termination of our relationship so often that my text predict would probably lay the sentence out for me no problem. I don’t regret my last relationship because it taught me a lot, but I know now that we were not meant to last.
A month after my initial question of “what are we?” my inner Cady Heron came out after a night of drinking and I word-vomited to him how I was scared of wasting my time and I wanted to know where he thought this was going. Again, his patience with me had washed over my fears and he had given me the same answers from a month prior. I took some time after that to really assess why I needed this question answered so badly. Fear. I was afraid, and I was afraid because I could feel myself catching feelings for him. I vowed to never let another guy hurt me again, and here I was drunk outside of his house trying to force something that wasn’t ready to be set. I figured if he could at least tell me he saw a future with me, my heart would be at ease – I didn’t want to get played. I was so worried about the future, I wasn’t able to get to know him properly or enjoy what we had right now. I finally abandoned my fears, and it allowed me to breathe again. I got to know him on a deeper level – he wasn’t just a pretty boy with a bright future and a smile that could stop traffic, no. He had layers to him, layers I could not get enough of. I slowed things down for myself and I immersed myself in every single moment – albeit I was still worried about the future, I wasn’t going to let it stop me from finding out and knowing in my heart this is what I truly wanted.
I know him a lot better now, and I’ve seen different sides of him that are so beautiful. Yet, I’ve only scratched the surface of who he really is. I cannot compare him to my past relationship, because that’s unfair to the both of us. But I’ve taken the lessons I’ve learned from my past, and I’ve been trying my damnedest to apply them. I’ve learned that rushing rarely ends up going well – I rushed into my last relationship and it tore us apart. I’ve learned that a relationship is about supporting one another, it’s a give and take that’s fair and doesn’t call for any “remember when I did this for you?” type of rebuttal. I’ve learned that we need to say what we mean, always. I did love my ex, but when we had told each other that we loved each other – I had only said it because he had said it first. I eventually meant it, but that initial proclamation of love was coerced by my inner need to feel wanted. I’ve learned that every fight is an opportunity to grow together, and it is not a source of ammunition for future fights. My ex and I fought about the same things all the time, and we liked to dip into the past and hold things against one another. That wasn’t healthy for either of us, and it fostered an environment that prevented any growth – if anything, we regressed. Lastly, I’ve learned that I don’t need to have the future planned out. I spent all of my time planning a future for my ex and I, that I had nothing once we had ended. In the 7 months that we were still together but out of being in love – I had to rearrange my priorities and find myself. I started doing things for me, finding out what I loved to do, rekindled friendships that I neglected because I was in a relationship, saw my family more because I decided to spend a lot of my time with my partner, and I loved myself because I finally had enough love to give back to myself. Once I had loved my self again, and I had truly known who I was, I let him go… I had to in order to take care of myself. While I’ve learned all of this and many more, I have to thank my ex for the experience.
I’m not bitter, but a lot better because of that experience with him. We showered the world with photos and captions that promised an eternal love, but we got so caught up in convincing everyone (including ourselves) that we didn’t realize it was purely an external love. I would never do this again, I shouldn’t need to convince people that I’m in love or even happy for that matter – they should know, without me having to say a word about the reason.
So, on Christmas Eve, after months of dating and getting to know this guy… I finally made the decision to ask him to be official. I had figured this would be the perfect place because of his love for the holidays. After 45-minutes of sitting in the cold, I finally mustered up the courage to ask him. While it wasn’t whimsical & I didn’t hear angels sing – I finally have the pleasure of calling him mine. I don’t know where we’ll be years from now, and that’s scary to think about. But, I know that right now I’ve enjoyed the parts of him he’s allowed me to get to know. Here, with him, this is where I want to be. From learning what oligodendrocytes are, to having him explain maillard reactions, to talking about health policies together… I know in my heart that I never want to stop learning from him and about him. I can’t promise him forever, but I will promise him that I’ll be here as long as he wants me to be. But, with this promise to him, I must also promise myself that I won’t be afraid to let him go if this isn’t something I want anymore.
In this whole process of finally breaking things off with my ex and finding myself – I can truly say that I am totally in love. I’m so in love with the person I am today. While I am not in love with this guy, yet, I’m taking my time falling for him. There’s no need to rush anymore. Thanks to my family and friends for reminding me to move slower, I honestly would have probably ended up at square one if I didn’t take everyone’s advice. Falling fast ended up leaving me shattered, and falling slowly ended up leaving me with a new found love for myself & a new chapter with you.
To those that want to rush into something,
I understand you, I understand you completely. You are terrified of getting hurt, and you want to know from the get go that you won’t feel like this again. So you either rush into someone else to run away from those feelings, or you rush into your feelings out of fear that this too, may end. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but believe me when I say that rushing will never turn out the way you want it to. At some point, you’ll be in so deep that you’ll be forced to slow down and look at all of the things you’ve overlooked. That’s what happened to me. I rushed into my first relationship, shit went wrong, I swept it under the rug and when the rug was pulled out from under me… I had to lay in everything I tucked away. All of the name calling, the emotional strain, the settling, all of that… I had to face that and I had no one to blame but myself. You’re so used to running with your hands up, ready to fight – slow down, and reach your hands out so you can catch what’s meant to fall into you. Things may or may not work out, but at least you’ll be able to discern what’s good for you and what isn’t when you take your time. Each time they don’t work out, I know it’ll hurt, but don’t give up and don’t speed up. You’ve got this, I promise.
To You,
Thank you for being patient with me and opening yourself up to me. I know you’ve had your own fair share of battles with exes and bad relationships. Opening up is never an easy thing to do, but you made it look so damn beautiful. I’m incredibly excited to start this journey with you. I am far from perfect, and I know I might hurt you… but I promise you that my intentions will always be good and I’ll never do anything to intentionally hurt you. The both of us need to take the lessons our previous relationships have given us and apply them in order to be successful. You’re right, too… being official doesn’t feel any different from how we were before. I guess that’s how I know this is real – I didn’t need a label in order to feel something for you. I won’t ramble here too much, you’ll hear a lot of my thoughts in private. I just wanted you to know, if you didn’t already yet. I’m happy with you, and I care about you.
Inhale, Exhale 