If anyone knows me, and thinks that I’m remotely funny, I like to create analogies that help to better explain or criticize something. (I guess if you don’t think I’m funny, you’d be familiar with my humor, too.) Anyways, I’ve tried to master this because I’ve striven for a better understanding of things by connecting familiar ideas with unfamiliar ones. I’ve recently created an analogy for myself about love. So, let’s set the stage.
For me, I’ve found that love is like a boat. The time you spend creating the boat is like the time you spend getting to know one another, falling in love with one another, and professing your love for each other. The boat is the relationship, and the ability for the boat to keep trekking through waters is the love that the both of you share. Once you’ve mutually expressed love, your boat is done and your journey has begun. I imagine the “honeymoon stage” is pushing the boat through the sand onto the shore with one another – excited for the journey ahead. The shallow water yields almost no problems or challenges. You jive with one another, the water is calm and so is the relationship. There’s an ebb and flow that both of you start to get used to.
As you journey further out, the waters can be calm and they can quickly get rough. This is the beginning of your adaptation to the ebb and flow the both of you got so used to. Your relationship starts to get tested on its adaptability. When the waters get rough, will the both of you be able to steer through this together? One can not steer the boat without the help of the other. That’s the challenge on this boat; whatever challenges get presented to the both of you will need to get solved by the both of you. I’ve read so many times on social media that a couple needs to remember that any problem within the relationship is not the both of you against one another – but the both of you versus the problem.
Usually, couples can get through these rough waters and continue on the ebb and flow that they’re used to – just with better adaptability. Now, I want to talk about some of the challenges I’ve faced and how I’ve perceived them.
The best way I can put this first one is when the boat has a leak. Let’s say that none of us know the source of the leak, and the both of us are completely focused on the cause. As the both of us fight and argue over who caused the leak, the boat starts to fill up with water that’s quickly weighing it down. It’s only until the boat nearly sinks, where we’ve fixed the leak together THEN we try to figure out the source. From this I’ve learned that fighting over whose opinion is more important, or who’s right only weighs us down. Imagine the fix to the leak is simply listening without the intent to respond – and imagine the water filling up without a fix is the both of us trying to say “You don’t understand, why can’t you just listen?” Instead if insulting and overpowering – we must listen… and really listen. The cause does not make the leak any bigger nor smaller – what is our solution? We prevent further damage together, first, and then we determine what we can do together to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
Now, let’s try to imagine the boat having two leaks. One on my side, and one on his. Let’s say his leak is bigger, and the water is filling up extremely fast. Instead of helping one another, we try to tell the other person that their leak is more important to fix, and we’ve ignored all of the water that’s accumulated in our love boat. This is one of the scariest tests to your love. When one partner – or even both partners, refuse to even acknowledge the other… we both sink. Our boat will soon become shipwrecked, and we’ll be finished. No matter how big or how small the leak – we need to work together to fix both. It doesn’t really matter which leak gets fixed first, the only thing that matters is that we save our love from suffocating. From here I’ve learned that I cannot say “I do not have time for your problems, I have problems of my own” or “My problems are bigger than yours, so you need to either help me first, or fix your own problems”. Because like I said, we need one another to get through this. The collateral damage that’s caused from our own selfishness will require us to scoop the water out of our boat and begin reparations. I think a lot of relationships often end this way. I’ve learned that sometimes pride is not worth the risk of things falling apart. Breathe, lower your pride, compromise, and talk once the waters are calm again.
Another problem that comes up, is when a leak is formed but the other person is too afraid to mention the leak. As the water builds, and one of us distracts the other from noticing the water – our problems begin to build. I’d think “if I mention this, he’ll only get mad” or “if I tell him, what if he blows up at me” or “what if I tell him and he tells me I shouldn’t be worried about that” whatever the reason being – you’re scared of being the reason why the relationship sinks. So you try to fix it by yourself in silence – I’ve learned that (like I said) the leak cannot be fixed alone – in fact, this is one of the few instances where the leak tends to get bigger. You should not be afraid to speak up, or say how you feel out of fear. You must speak up, and the other person should listen without making the leak bigger. We will get through this.
Finally, there’s the boat that’s treading on calm water but one of us sees that there’s rough waters ahead. This is when we fight about a leak that’s not even there to begin with or a leak that’s not there YET (and may never even come.) The paranoia begins to engulf one of us, and the memory of what happened the last time a leak was made – but on another boat, with someone else. That fear of sinking, drifting apart like wood, and starting over alone on another island is scary. Overthinking and overcompensation happens because we are trying our very best to prevent any leaks. One thing I’ve learned from this is that there will almost always be a time where him and I will disagree – and it is scary, it is frightening to think that at any point this boat can go down. But I’ve learned that love will over come any obstacle, any leak, and any rough water as long as we both work together. We both listen, we both understand, and we both prevent leaks from happening the same way again. I am incredibly guilty of being paranoid about our love sinking – but I’m learning. I must believe in him, and he must believe in me.
This whole analogy alludes to a couple things that I’ll sum up here. Adaptability and listening will always be the lock and key that opens us up to love. Old leaks may open up again, but we must not allow that leak to flood our boat as much as it did the last time. We close up, we get it all out, and we move forward. Listening requires you to really chime into what the other person is saying. One who listens does not respond with anger, but with humility. Things must be fixed together, and the relationship must move forward together.
An important reminder for those of you who are just like me. The leaks, the sinking, and the abandonment you faced on your last boat… try not to bring that fear into your next boat with someone else. This is new, the strength of your relationship is new, and the person is completely different.
Find your ebb and flow, adapt to rough waters, and fix the leaks together. Know that the journey never gets any easier if you’re unable to do all three. We will get through whatever rough waters come our way if we remember this.
Inhale, Exhale 