Moving On

I’m writing this post in my new house, completely alone with music blaring in the background. I woke up this morning and it finally sunk in that I’m no longer living in Aiea, and I have a new home in Kunia. I’m learning to do things differently and adapt because of the area that I’m in – when to leave in the morning, when to wake up, where to eat, where to shop, where to put gas… all of this stuff is changing, and I need to adapt to it. It’s fitting, because I’ve had to adapt to this new life of being single and learning to do things for just me – I no longer have someone to wake up to, someone to worry about, someone to make me feel better, someone to be intimate with, someone to end the day with… all of this is changing, too, and the focus is now on myself.

The other day when I was driving home from school, I had almost took the cutoff on the freeway to go to my old house. I kind of wasn’t even thinking about it when I did it, I had just gotten so used to going that route it felt like second nature. I had to swerve back onto the freeway and figure out how to navigate my way home in a way I had never gone before. This kind of helped me realize that I’m doing the same thing with someone I’ve recently felt a great connection with. I’ve been treating him like how I treated my past connection. My mindset isn’t set to being myself, it’s set to catering to whoever’s in front of me. I was so used to picking up tabs, driving all over the place, always being there to solve problems, doing too much, doing things without being asked, and going out of my way to make sure everything is going good for whoever I was with. I spent 4 years catering and exhausting myself… I honestly don’t remember what it feels like to talk to someone authentically.

But, this is what moving on is all about right? We make the move then slowly we change and adapt to our decisions. We made the decision to move houses, we went through the motions of packing, ordering new furniture, setting everything up in our new house, and getting rid of all the crap from our old house. I made the decision to terminate my relationship, we went through the motions of giving each other our stuff back, trying to talk about our future, getting rid of pictures, getting rid of gifts, and throwing away things that had memories of us attached to them. This is just one small part of moving on, though. This is all a part of the decision to make the initial move. What comes after this really determines if you were ready to make the move.

Hopefully this brings some relief to people, but moving on is not starting fresh. It’s impossible. Don’t feel bad because you can’t immerse yourself into someone again 100% – getting hurt isn’t fun. If you recognize that a certain stimulus hurts you, eventually you’re going to be apprehensive about it – you might even stop completely. For example, opening up to someone is extremely easy when you haven’t been hurt before. Once you get hurt the first time, it hurts you. You get comfortable enough to open up again, and you get rejected or hurt once more… it destroys you. After a while you get so accustomed to opening up and getting hurt – you just stop. No one gets to witness the real you, no one gets to appreciate what you have to offer the world because someone you called your world hurt you. It’s scary, I know… I’m completely terrified to talk to someone, date, and even love again because I don’t want to get hurt again.

I have trust issues, I have self-esteem issues, and I feel like I constantly need to go the extra mile or else I won’t be good enough. This all came from opening up, letting someone in and having them shroud the light I had so proudly shone. And well, at some point… I decided to turn that light off. I decided to redecorate the inside of myself in order to make someone else feel at home, and still I got hurt. Now, I’m in the middle of the process of having my insides showcase who I am, to show what I know what home is.

With this new connection, and with any other connection that decides to look for a new home… I come as is. The light inside of me is authentic and it’s shining for my family, my friends, and anyone else that wants to be a part of this journey. If people come in and they don’t recognize what I have to offer or what beauty lies inside of myself, there are other houses they can peruse through. I will always have room for people who don’t want to tear me down and hurt me – I have a lot of cleaning up to do around here, but I know I’m doing it for me and the people that want to be here.

To those that have been hurt,
I know it’s terrifying letting someone in after being so used to getting hurt. You don’t want that again, you build walls around who you really are and you barely let anyone in. I want you to know that it’s okay to guard your heart and guard your emotions… but we (yes, we… because I’m trying this out too) need to take chances and continue to love how we normally love. I’ve realized that I can’t love people any different because I let some bad people in when they didn’t deserve to be there. We need to make it a longer process, not a harder one. I had let people in really fast, trusted really fast, and fell really fast and they never really gave me a good reason to let them in as quick as I did. Show these new connections bits and pieces of you – slowly open up to them and be vulnerable. Let them see you watch your favorite movie, let them see you search for your wallet when it’s missing, let them hear you sing in the car, let them watch you study, let them watch you play a sport or instrument you love, let them see you. Naturally, they’ll choose to stay or go. Letting someone get to know you slowly and not all at once gives the both of you time to really assess if the initial connection can flourish into something beautiful.

A gentle reminder, you aren’t starting fresh. You come with baggage, you come with demons… you come with a past. It’s okay to be afraid; moving forward is a hard fucking process. Communicate with them, he or she will understand and stick with you through this process. But, the goal is to eventually move on and open up – do not expect them to be waiting around to see the real you forever. One day, you will be able to refrain from filling your past experiences with the fears you have with this new person trying to be a part of your future. Fall slowly, and fall together.

To those that are helping someone who is hurt,
Be patient, but also know that you do not need to save them from whatever hell they’re living in. People don’t need saving, they need support. Don’t have them show you pieces they’ve never shown anyone else and lead them on. Be real, be authentic. If you aren’t interested, say something. One more time for the people in the back, say something. Nothing is more destructive than opening up to someone, vibing with them, showing them how you see the world, and being led to no where. Just like how they need to communicate, so do you. Don’t feel bad for them, don’t stick around out of guilt – if you aren’t contributing to their growth or you don’t care to see them grow… leave. Be straight up with people, you’re dealing with someone else’s feelings – these dictate so much in how people interact with one another. You want to be friends, establish that. You have feelings for them, tell them. You think you shouldn’t be there, tell them. Hurt people have been lead to rock bottom, don’t lead them into more darkness. honesty, communication, empathy, and support. These are the 4 things you owe to someone that’s opening up to you, in that order.

“I’m on my way to heaven, if I can make it out of this hell. I know I can and I know I will”
[Ascension | Jhené Aiko ft. Brandy]

 

Cheating 101

I wasn’t looking for him when I stumbled across him. I had just graduated high school and my life was making that heavy transition from high school to college. I had never been in a serious relationship before, so I was extremely inexperienced going into the whole ordeal. I had a lot of preconceived notions about falling in love, and I felt all of them come to fruition once he’d burst onto the scene of my life. The butterflies, the endless thoughts, the giddy smiles seeing his name pop up on my phone, telling my friends how handsome he was, and going gaga over his sweet words. It was so easy to let him in and have him see parts of me I never even knew existed. We fell hard and fast; we were two meteors en route to one another, building up speed and fire as we got closer and closer to crashing.

Letting people in is incredibly difficult for me, as it would be for most people going through high school. But, we take chances. We let some people in and the reality is we either get accepted or rejected – I had my own fair share of rejections, so it made my admissions requirements very selective. The scary part about letting someone in, is that you never know what they’re going to take with them. So when I let you in, and you get to see the real me… that means the world to me, and I expect it to mean the world to you too. I expected him to stay forever and make himself at home, but he had different plans.

I planned my future around him. If someone were to ask me where I saw myself in ‘X’ amount of years, he’d be woven into my answer. I loved him with every fiber of my being; my love was unrelenting and unconditional. I knew him inside and out. I firmly believed that this was the guy I’d be walking down the aisle with, one day. He felt like home. I felt safe with him, and at the end of the day I could breathe & let myself unwind into him. This belief that he felt like home lasted until I had found out someone else was laying in my bed… and it made me feel like the intruder. He’d given a complete stranger the key so easily, after I worked so hard to even step foot in the door.

Was loving you unconditionally not enough? Was accepting you flaws and all not enough? Was supporting you and helping you through your rough patches not enough? Was protecting your soul and holding you up not enough? Was putting you above all else not enough? Was almost 4 years of being together not enough? And more importantly, was I not enough?

I wanted to know why he did it, that was honestly my only question. I had thought to myself, “What could I have done to prevent this? What did I do for him to resort to cheating, or what did I not do?” I blamed myself for his actions, and it taught him nothing. I took the blame and I got so used to it, that he expected an apology to remedy the entire situation. But, a ‘sorry’ doesn’t make the hurt any less painful. A ‘sorry’ couldn’t fix this and it caused a lot of fights because well… there wasn’t an answer that could put my heart at ease. There was no answer that could excuse his behavior, and after 7 months I finally accepted the fact that we could no longer move forward. The cheating manifested itself into a demon, and he’d come out to play every time I started to open myself up to my ex again. Each time, the demon had brought his friends anxiety and inadequacy – that’s what filled my new home. I was too afraid to call him home anymore; I couldn’t recognize where I was… I felt like I didn’t belong there anymore.

I tried to work things out with him and I assured the both of us that we’d get through this as long as we communicated more and we were honest. That wasn’t the problem. I wasn’t honest with myself and I wasn’t communicating with myself. The assurance turned into convincing, and the we turned to you and I. I was convincing myself that we’d be okay – I never really dealt with the problem. I just wanted the love of my life back, I wanted us back. But, I’d never get that back – especially like this.

Everything I had hoped and dreamed of with him had just faded. I agree, everyone makes mistakes – but, he chose to make this mistake. He chose this for us, after I continually chose him. I broke when I realized that there is no rationale for cheating, and I shouldn’t be blaming myself because he wasn’t able to appreciate the one person that was going to give him the world. Some things cannot be fixed, and it’s better to leave the pieces as they may be and just walk away. Not everything needs a solution, and not every mess needs to be cleaned up. My love for him, for once in our existence together, did not exceed the new found love I had for myself. I was trying so hard to fight our demons, while he was chilling out & making them feel welcomed.

I’ve forgiven him. I wouldn’t be able to grow into an even stronger person if I didn’t. I really loved him, and I do miss him. But, I expended so much energy into us and got little in return. It’s exhausted me. It hurts me to say that I don’t know who he is anymore, but I really don’t. We are not the same people we were when we first fell in love, and that’s okay… people out grow one another, and it’s unfortunate we grew in separate directions. I’m finding myself again, and I’m really starting from the ground up. I don’t mourn the death of our relationship anymore, I celebrate the death of a person who didn’t love them self enough. This new me is hurting, yes. But, I am growing with the hurt.

To my ex:
I still care for you and I still love you. It’s unfortunate how things have panned out between us, and I know you’ve learned a lot from this experience. Maybe some day, years from now, we’ll cross paths in a public place and we’ll catch up. Maybe try things again, maybe tell each other how we fell in love with someone amazing. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but what I do know is that we’ll be better people because of our time together. I don’t regret a single second I spent with you. I’ve cherished every moment together. I wish you nothing but the best, truly. This one mistake does not mean you are not worthy of love, it just means you aren’t worthy of mine right now.

To anyone thinking about cheating, has cheated, or is cheating right now:
Speak up and shape up. Just like how I revered my ex as home, someone thinks about you that same way. Yes, they may be busy, they may have stopped doing something you loved, they may have taken advantage of the fact that you’re always there… but say something. If you can seek out someone else, let them in, and allow them your body and mind – you can tell your partner what’s bothering you. If you can’t, please leave or seek professional help. From my own experience and from the ones I’ve heard from my friends and strangers, cheating can be diverted with some communication. You have to realize that this person trusts you, this person is building their future around you, this person is all about you. Granted, right now it may not seem that way, but find out for sure. My ex told me he had cheated because I was so busy with school, I explained to him that I was so busy with school and work because I wanted to grind out experience so I could get our future and family started as soon as possible. He overlooked the fact that I was working so hard for us, and I was giving up date time in order to provide for our future. I planned my entire future around him and I busted my ass each and every day to make sure I could provide him with the best future possible. SPEAK UP – You do not know unless you ask. Don’t cheat, don’t cheat, don’t cheat.

To those who have been cheated on:
Do not blame yourself for their choices. You deserve better, and do not settle for them because you are scared you won’t find love. Let me be clear; the person he/she is after cheating on you may be better, some of them actually learn their lesson and change is really provoked. I am in no way excusing their actions, but some people need big things to happen in order for change to occur. My ex has changed, and I see it & believe it. He wants nothing but to see me happy and thrive, and he appreciates me a lot more now – but unfortunately, he is not the better I deserve right now. Also, (this is a big thing) please do not be ashamed. I was so scared to tell people what was going on, that I hid it for months and it ate away at me. I had hyped him up for 4 years, and I painted such a positive picture with him, I felt ashamed to tell people that he had cheated on me. “Are you serious? I would’ve thought he’d be the last person on earth to cheat.” I got that response so many times, it only highlighted how much I loved him enough to share the good parts of him to people I knew. I thought he’d be the last person too, but that isn’t going to stop me from moving forward. This was not your fault and you are good enough, please remember this. Also, (sorry one last thing) have your reservations about getting into another relationship, that’s normal… but remember that every guy/girl that comes into your life after your ex will be different, don’t be afraid to take chances again. Yes, it is scary and getting hurt is a reality that we all need to face – but, it’ll be that much sweeter once the right one comes along and makes these chances feel like winning the lottery.

To myself:
Continue the trend of loving yourself, and know that you are worthy of love. Keep writing, keep reading, keep learning, keep focused and keep on keeping on. Do not look for love; love will find you, just as it did that summer when you found him. Be thankful for the lessons he brought you, and be thankful for the person he’s helped you become today. Do not see him as a cheater, see him as he is – he’s hurt you, but you are still alive. People make mistakes, do not bad mouth him because he was once someone you felt every emotion in the dictionary for. You out grew each other, and that’s okay. Practice self-love, be selfish, and never settle for anything or anyone that doesn’t see how amazing you are.

 

 

On a Scale of 1-10…

In nursing school we’re taught that pain is subjective; more specifically, we’re taught that the pain reported by the patient needs to be taken as the truth. No ifs, ands, or buts. I never really understood the importance of that until later. The phrase is said by every single nurse (relatively) the same, “How’s your pain? On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst pain you’ve ever felt?”. I’ve said this so many times. I feel as it’s the mantra for anyone pursuing a career in nursing – reminds me of when cops recite Miranda Rights. You ask once during each round, you get the number and you chart it. The number is valuable (to me), because it indicates the patients understanding of their pain.

I had a patient in my MedSurg rotation that would rate his pain at a constant 7 or 8 as soon as his pain medications were due. After receiving his medication, the rating would drop down to a 4 during my follow-up assessments. I enjoyed him, he was really down to earth and he allowed me to practice some skills I hadn’t been able to perform before. My nurse was great, best nurse I had ever gotten to shadow – but she was wary of his pain ratings. We left his room after taking a pain assessment, she turned to me and said, “Take the pain rating at face value. I know we’re supposed to believe the patient, but sometimes you think to yourself… is it really at an 8? He’s joking with us and laughing. I didn’t even see him wincing during our assessment”. I shook my head nervously in agreement, “But we believe them, and we treat it as reported. It’s normal to question it in your head – just to let you know. If he says it’s an 8, honey it’s an 8.”

I’ve had a few patients wince, flinch, and groan when I do my assessments. If I remember correctly, none of them rated their pain at an 8. It kind of got me thinking, we all have different perceptions on what’s painful and what’s not. We reach these conclusions based off of our past experiences – I mean we must, right? Also, we must have different opinions on how we let others know that we are in pain. Some people are open about their pain, and some people minimize or try to cover up their pain. Our professors and the clinical nursing staff put emphasis on how people will express their pain differently and it’s our job to be respectful and listen to them wholeheartedly and without judgement. Some people don’t want to be a bother, others don’t want to seem weak, others view pain and suffering as divine intervention, and others see pain as a vacation. It’s how we perceive, accept, and share our pain that outlines our treatment plan.

“Do you want to go through this alone? What’s your support system? Where did the pain come from? What makes it better? What makes it worse? What does this feel like to you? Have you ever experienced this pain before? How long has the pain lasted?”

Why rate your pain at an 8 when you’re smiling and happy? Why rate your pain at a 3 when it feels like I’m stabbing you whenever I palpate the area? Are their perceptions of pain different? Yes, obviously. But, what’s the goal they share? The goal is to get better. One wants medication and a lot of help to get through the pain, and the other is getting through the pain with minimal help from outside sources. They’re both valid, and both will work.

The follow-up question after a pain assessment is, “… Okay, and what’s an acceptable level of pain for you?”. I thought this question was hilarious, until I went in the field and heard every single number except the one number I’d expect all of my patients to say – 0. (Yes, 0 is not on the scale. But, I still expected that answer from everyone) I thought to myself, “Why are we going to ask people what’s an acceptable level of pain for them? Shouldn’t everyone want it at a 0? or a 1?”. I had answers that ranged from 2-6, and it always confused me – until I felt pain; more specifically pain that didn’t go away.

If someone were to ask me in the beginning of my bout with pain, “How’s your pain? On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst pain you’ve ever felt?” I’d probably say I was at a 5 on good days, and a solid 8 on my bad days. My acceptable level of pain? I’d say about a 5, because it was bearable and I still was able to enjoy myself.

I channeled my inner down-to-earth patient and I had thought by using quick fixes and things readily accessible, I’d be able to manage my pain. I yearned for some sort of connection; someone to make the pain go away. Someone to baby me, and tell me everything was going to be alright and that I was good enough. I was desperately gasping for air, waiting for someone to save me from drowning in my own pool of sorrow. To connect the story, I sought attention from someone when my pain was returning – like his pain medication schedule, I had this person on a “hit them up” schedule. It worked, but the conversations would only last so long; just as how the medications only last so long. The pain returned, and I would withstand the pain until this person had come around with my next dosage of attention. I had developed an addiction to the attention – I convinced myself that I needed it in order to make it through the day.

Eventually, just like medications, came the reality of waning off medications and trying to withstand the pain. I was a complete mess, and I began to get even more desperate for attention and reassurance. I sold my wellbeing to this person at a discounted price and I was worth so much more than he could ever afford. I had hit a new low, if rock bottom had a rock bottom – I was paying rent to sulk there. That feeling of drowning felt worse, like I couldn’t gauge the surface anymore – I didn’t see his silhouette trying to reach for me anymore. I accepted that I’d be stuck here forever until someone was going to pull me out.

Time seemed to slow down, and here I was back at square one – maybe square negative sixteen. I woke up one day and I felt every fiber in me screaming for help – but there was no help. No one was going to pull me out, and no one was going to save me. If anything, he let me sink deeper and deeper. I put my phone on Do Not Disturb, I blasted music, and I sat through my pain. I decided to write and read – I could feel the surface getting closer. I cleaned my room, I made plans with my friends – I felt like I was floating to the top, getting out of this slump. He didn’t talk to me the entire day, and I felt okay (it hurt but, I survived). I had made it. You see, at that point I realized all I had to do was stand. No one needed to save me, I just needed to stand. Metaphorically, I had breached the surface and I realized all of my family and friends were waiting for me to just stand. He, thankfully, was not there.

Today, I’m here standing. I don’t need him to compliment me, tell me good morning, send me a message, entertain me, or give me my scheduled dose of attention. Yes, I’m still in pain – but now my pain seems to be at a 5, and that’s acceptable for me. I need to accept this pain, really face it and not focus on it so much. I’ve relapsed a couple of times, and I’ve snuck a dose here and there, and that’s okay… but I’ve lived through the pain without him, and I know I can continue to do it. Baby steps Bran, baby steps.

If you are in pain right now, I want to let you know that it does suck – I understand that. But, the pain doesn’t last forever. You need to let go of the people that cause you pain, and you need to hold on tighter to the ones that sit with you through the pain. This will not be easy, but it’s going to be so worth it. Don’t give someone so much power over your healing, either. He/she will not save you from the pain, they’ll only make the pain worse – you are in charge of your healing, just as how a patient is in charge of their plan of care. Also, you cannot properly heal if you keep letting the person that hurt you open up the wound. Take care of yourself, love yourself, and grow.

“You not wanting me, was the beginning of me wanting myself. Thank you” – Nayyirah Waheed

“Right now, yes, things seem really shitty. Some days you will have no reason to get up, and other days you will feel empowered to change the world. Just remember, the storm doesn’t last forever. He will not save you, we can’t even save you. Just try to stand.”